19
Aug

Portland Timbers can’t be thrilled about the pitch conditions in Guyana

image

We hear about it all the time.

Managers and players the world over have, at one time or another, blamed field conditions for poor results or unwatchable displays of football. And to be fair, some pitches have been truly horrendous. Remember the Cowboys Stadium turf for the International Champions Cup last summer? Or this water-logged pitch in Kazakhstan? Classic!

Well, those grounds look like a freshly cut and watered pitch at God’s personal Wembley Stadium up in heaven compared to what the Portland Timbers encountered in Guyana ahead of their CONCACAF Champions League tie vs Alpha United.

Not a joke: a professional soccer team actually plays here:

Man.

That… — can we call it a pitch’” — is actually mostly used for cricket, but that doesn’t explain why footballers have agreed to play here, or why Alpha United are allowed to host CONCACAF Champions League games in the first place. Really, there’s nowhere else you can play?

In any case, for the rest of time, no team is allowed to complain about field conditions ever again. Except the Timbers.

H/T SBNation

4
Jun

FAIL: Mexico players run into each other vs. Bosnia & Herzegovina

Mexico’s 1-0 loss to Bosnia and Herzegovina on Tuesday night did little to boost confidence ahead of El Tri’s World Cup campaign, which begins in just over a week against Cameroon.

In fact, the performance can be summed up by this one Vine:

Face palm!

Thankfully, manager Miguel Herrera has a bit more time to ensure his players at least won’t run into each other in Brazil. That would be helpful.

h/t BleacherReport

21
Apr

Betis defender makes pair of costly mistakes, quits before halftime

imageImage: Sergio Barrenechea/EPA

Sometimes, it just all becomes too much to take. For Real Betis defender Paulão, this was one of those times.

The Brazilian center back asked to be taken off the pitch barely a half hour into Betis’ match against Rayo Vallecano after he made two disastrous mistakes that both led to goals, and which all but crushed his team’s final hopes of staving off relegation. (Betis went on to lose to Rayo by that very two-goal margin, and with the club ten points from safety and just four games remaining, their fate is all but mathematically sealed.)

Paulão set up the first goal of the game in the 14th minute with an astoundingly weak back-pass to his goalkeeper, which Rayo’s Ruben Rochina easily intercepted and slotted home. Ouch! Thirteen minutes later, Paulão scored an own goal when his sliding clearance attempt went awry. Double ouch.

His two mistakes were so bad, even Rayo captain Roberto Trashorras went over to help Paulão off the ground and offer his condolences. But in spite of everyone’s pity and support, the imposing defender had reached his breaking point and wished to be substituted right then and there. His manager obliged, and Paulão spent the rest of the afternoon in tears on the end of the bench. Poor fella.

H/T The Guardian

15
Apr

Levante’s revolutionary “twin free-kick” routine fails miserably

Just like they drew it up!

Levante found themselves down 1-0 to Villareal in the final minutes of stoppage time this past Saturday when the perfect chance for a late equalizer presented itself - a free kick roughly 20 yards out from goal. But rather than attempting a straightforward, direct free kick with a point on the line, Levante’s Victor Casadesus and Ruben Garcia decided this was the perfect opportunity to try out a cunning, new playground routine.

Both players ran up to the ball simultaneously looking to deceive the wall and goalkeeper, which sounds like a good idea. But apparently they failed to tell each other who was supposed to actually kick the ball, and so they both did, resulting in this miserable fail (not to mention zero points for Levante.)

Communication is key, lads.

H/T Pies

26
Mar

Defender needs two attempts to score epic own goal

One day, Nautico defender Izaldo will tell his grandchildren about this and have a laugh. Maybe. It could take a while.

Facing off against Santa Cruz in the Brazilian Pernambucano 1 last weekend, Izaldo scored one of the most hilarious own goals of all time. Not necessarily because it was a spectacular shot, but because he needed two separate attempts to do so!

First, the defender shanked an attempted clearance straight off the crossbar and back into play, to the relief of his teammates. But did that discourage Izaldo from getting on the score-sheet? Oh no, not Izaldo. 

Demonstrating the determination and persistence of an ant, Izaldo went right back at it and pounced on the very next chance, heading it safely into the back of his own net.

If at first you don’t succeed…

28
Nov

#TBT: The biggest Turkey there ever was

Tomislav Piplica is a legend in Germany, for all the wrong reasons.

The video above will explain. It’s the kind of clip that will make you re-evaluate what is truly possible in life. And it’s perfect for Turkey Day, as he might be one of the biggest the sport has ever seen.

Care for seconds?

Check out this compilation of Piplica’s greatest misses, which will only make you irrationally mad that he somehow lasted an entire six seasons in the Bundesliga.

Right? How mad are you right now? Legend.

10
Nov

Bizarre goal scored by player’s buttocks

NOTE: Scroll to 0:40 second mark

Dear goalkeepers,

We appreciate your abilities to initiate counter-attacks. Speeding up play with a quick punt up-field can certainly catch opposing defenses on the back foot sometimes. But — and this is key — before you do, just make sure an opponent’s bum isn’t directly in the way. Please?

Sincerely, head coaches everywhere

Oita Trinita backstop Keisuke Shimizu learned the hard way this weekend against Albirex Niigata. A tad overeager to catch the defense napping, Shimizu punted the ball immediately after catching a long header in the area. Unfortunately, an opponent was standing right in the way, the ball ricocheted off the player’s backside, and the ball looped back into Shimizu’s own net!

Oita Trinita, no strangers to bottoming out (they’re currently in last place in the J-League), went on to lose, 3-1.

via 101GG

4
Nov

Never seen an own goal from fifty yards out? Here’s your chance!

In a German fourth-tier match against 1860 Munich’s reserves team, FC Schweinfurt midfielder Stefan Seufert managed to score a stunning own goal from just about the halfway line!

Whether Seufert was attempting a clearance, a long back-pass to his goalkeeper, or mixed up which half of the field his team was defending in we’ll never know. We are fairly certain, though, that Seufert can lay claim to the longest own goal of the year.

H/T Dirty Tackle

30
Sep

Süper Lig defender wrongly thinks ball is out of play, leads to goal

NOTE: Fast-forward to the 2:30 mark

A defender’s disastrous lack of judgement sealed Eskişehirspor’s victory over Kasımpaşa in the Turkish Süper Lig this weekend.

With Eskişehirspor up 1-0 late in stoppage time, Kasımpaşa’s Ryan Donk saw a high-arching ball bounce near the touchline and heading out of play. With his side desperately searching for a last-minute equalizer, Donk quickly turned up-field to find another ball to throw in to his teammates.

But alas, Donk failed to realize that the original ball took a devilish bounce and somehow stayed in play!

With the defender nowhere in sight, Eskişehirspor gladly accepted the gift. Former West Ham striker Diomansy Kamara finished off the 2-on-1 breakaway to close out the match in bizarre fashion.

H/T 101GG