November 5th, 2012

By Leander Schaerlaeckens

If tomorrow’s U.S. presidential election were held among ill-educated, borderline-egomaniac superstar forwards from Europe who care a great deal too much about the density and structure of their hair, incumbent president Barack Obama would sweep all the votes.

“Watched all the presidential debates,” tweeted @WayneRooney on Oct. 23. “If I had to vote would vote Obama.”

Today, Cristiano Ronaldo told CNN that his vote too would be for Obama, announcing that he thought Obama “honest” and “likes the way he speaks to people.”

Pertinent background information:

  • Rooney has a tattoo that reads: “Just enough education to perform”, a claim not yet verified.
  • Ronaldo’s father named him after Ronald Reagan. But allegedly only because he was his favorite actor, not his favorite politician.

These are startling endorsements, given that Rooney’s views on the merits of letting wealth trickle from the rich to the poor by minimizing the leakage of funds through taxation and tariffs run counter to Obama’s.

Ronaldo, meanwhile, was widely speculated to have expressed an unshakable belief in Romney’s follicular integrity. Insiders had spoken about Ronaldo’s hopes that his own hair should look so magnificent as Romney’s (and indeed Reagan’s) does at 65.

According to the latest information to reach the Fox Soccer Blog’s shed/headquarters in its mother’s backyard swamp by carrier pigeon, Madeira, Merseyside, Greater Manchester and certain neighborhoods of Madrid have not yet been allotted votes in the Electoral College.   

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